You have an Eating Disorder.

I didn’t want any cake.

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Barf

To be fair, the cake looked like one of those gross grocery store cakes. You know the ones–covered in sugary white icing. More icing than anything else on that cake. God, I hate cakes like that. I take most of the icing off cupcakes, too.

So, I politely refused to have any cake.

Someone made an eating disorder joke at me. He quipped, “Well, you can just throw it up later.”

Not cool, dude.

I don’t have an eating disorder. I never had an eating disorder. I’m skinny though, so people often imply that I do have one. Do you even eat? Why are you so skinny? Yeah, I’ve heard it all and I don’t care.

My cousin suffered with anorexia during her teens. It was really hard on all of us. So, I didn’t find this joke funny in the slightest. In fact, it was really a stupid and fucked up thing to say to a perfect stranger at a birthday party. What if he had said that to her, instead of me? What if I actually did suffer from bulimia, and I was in fact, planning on throwing up my dinner later?

Eating disorders are really private. People do not flaunt that they have an eating disorder. Body image issues cause anxiety and depression. Bulimia causes tummy aches, shame, and decaying teeth. It’s not funny. People try to keep up the facade of looking great while suffering for it in private. That’s why it’s fucked up–even a bit intrusive–to make light of it, because it is in fact very serious and very private.

I looked him dead in the eye, muttered “I am bulimic” and abruptly walked away. A few girls followed me out and comforted me. It made it look like I’m bulimic and he was an insensitive asshole. He was so awkward for the rest of the night and went home alone.

Because fuck that guy. That’s why.

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I Am Anti-Valentine’s Day

Single Person’s Awareness Day (more popularly known as Valentine’s Day) is coming up.

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This about sums it up!

I’m not bitter about being single–honest. I hate Public Displays of Affection, because it’s just awkward. I dislike watching rosy-cheeked couples walking down the street and living their idyllic coupley lives for all to see. I like seeing happy people living healthy and happy lives. I dislike people who rub it in everyone’s face.

It’s probably not a surprise then, that I absolutely hate Katherine Heigl films. And has anyone seen Serendipity? Let me sum it up for you. A man and a woman meet. Sparks fly. Then they go their separate ways, leaving clues behind. If they stumble upon the clues (a phone number scrawled on a dollar bill and a name scribbled in a book), they will find each other and live happily ever after. Sorry to ruin it, but these people are a bunch of assholes. They literally ditch their longtime significant others (one of them is ditched before their wedding) for each other because “it’s fate.” How terrible would that be in real life?

But I digress.

I hate Valentine’s Day for the same reasons I hate Christmas. Aside from being ridiculously cheapened and commercialized, it’s a social obligation. There are expectations. The stakes are high. What makes VDay worse than Xmas is that all of your female Facebook friends are competitively posting their VDay surprises and gifts to compare with their friends and make everyone else feel like shit show their hubby how appreciative they are.

Secondly, VDay is similar to Xmas in that poor, lonely, and poor and lonely people are totally excluded. Can’t afford a big bouquet of overpriced roses? You don’t love her. Can’t buy her a new diamond bracelet like the one her best friend’s man got her? You obviously don’t deserve her.

Back to what I was saying about expectations… Holy shit are there expectations on VDay. Perhaps even more so than on Xmas. It doesn’t matter if you’re single or taken, you will be dealing with expectations–your own, your SO’s, and often those of your friends/coworkers/family. You have to be romantic. You have to be original. And most importantly, you have to be genuine. If you don’t WOW your SO, you’re gonna have a bad night. And so will your SO. So you’d better make it big. And let them take pictures and post all over Facebook.

And on that note, how can romance be planned? Mind you, I appreciate the positive effects of VDay expectations on married and/or busy couples. It encourages people to slow down, and appreciate each other.

Personally, I think that spontaneous romance is best. VDay is cheap. Spontaneous romance catches you off guard, and you know what? You know it’s genuine.

As for the single people… The best way to spend VDay is with your friends. A gaggle of gals getting together for dinner and a cheesy chick flick is an excellent way to spend the night. It actually sounds much more fun than a night with your SO and your expectations.

To be honest, I never liked VDay, regardless of whether I was single. I tried to plan anti-Valentine’s dates with SO’s to get away from the cheesiness of the holiday. Other times, I went out with girlfriends and had a great time.

As for me, I’ll be throwing Molotov Cocktails into Hallmark, and calling strangers’ homes, asking if their husbands are free again.

What are your plans?

Decompressing

It’s Saturday night and I’m kickin’ it at home in a cozy poncho and leggings. I decided to make Sundays my No Contact “relaxation” day. Allow me to explain.

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…Said every introvert

Yeah, I’m aware it’s not Sunday…yet. I did it today because I felt like it! You’re not the boss of me.

I work 40 hours a week. My work isn’t terribly interesting, and the commute makes me want to move into the dumpster behind my office building. I have friends and I’m pretty friendly with my coworkers.

It’s exhausting. Wearing the mask makes me tired. Sure, I’m friendly and I like people (some of the time). But, I’m not “on” all of the time. I don’t always feel like socializing and being interested in other people’s lives. Sometimes I just wanna get away to read or do my own thing. I can’t do that most of the time because I’m constantly surrounded by people who want to talk to me.

Friday and Saturday nights are spent hanging out with friends, going to parties, or out to restaurants. So naturally, I chose Sunday as my official day of No Contact Decompression. Yup. A selfish day all to myself.

I had one of these days today. I just felt like it. I did all of my chores in the morning, and spent the late afternoon and evening all to myself. I began by shutting off my phone and giving myself a manicure and pedicure. I hate waiting for my nails to dry, so I watched an episode of Mad Men to distract me. Then, when I was absolutely sure that they were dry, I filled up the tub and crawled in with a book. I can’t tell you how amazing those 30 minutes in the tub were. Every tense muscle simply evaporated.

I topped off the night with a nice homemade facial. I boiled a pot of water with chamomile leaves. I sat with my face over the water and a towel over my head. The steam opened my pores and made me sweat–a lot. Then, I mixed a bit of nutmeg with a bit of milk and gently scrubbed my face with it. My skin felt sooo soft.

Now, I’m going to have a glass of red wine, finish my book, and get a nice dose of beauty sleep. Hopefully it’ll make those suitcases under my eyes go away.

This luxurious afternoon was made possible by the absence of my annoying roommate. Her and Kramer (our new neighbour) are having sex now. By the way, I’m officially calling him Kramer because he reminds me of Kramer from Seinfeld. They spend a lot of time together and she’s usually as his place because he lives alone (a.k.a. privacy). I’m a bit of a cock block, I understand.

Cheers to No Contact Sundays (beginning next week)!

the most overplayed movie plots, ever.

A friend asked me why I don’t go to the movies anymore. I told him that I’ve already seen it all.

It’s true, I have. It seems like Hollywood recycles the same ideas over and over.

And they somehow manage to profit.

Without further ado, here are the most overplayed movie plots, ever.

  1. Boy meets girl. They immediately dislike each other. By some strange twist of circumstance, they end up drunkenly sharing a one night stand. She gets pregnant and decides to keep it. They struggle to get along. The guy falls in love with her and tries to win her over. She resists. Yada, yada, yada. She realizes she cares for him when it’s already too late. Yada, yada yada, she goes after him and they reunite. Katherine Heigl is almost always the female lead.
  2. Some deranged lunatic escapes from prison. It’s raining. Some teenagers are having a party because their parents are out of town. They’re doing drugs and having sex. The lunatic shows up at their house and kills them.
  3. A group of random people (who barely know each other) are stuck at some haunted mansion. The most attractive character hears a strange noise and decides to investigate in her sexist lingerie. Killer in the house? Perfect time to hop in the shower!
  4. The villain is foiled because he decides to explain his evil plans to anyone who will listen.
  5. Unreasonable angry police chief fires the head detective during an important case. The detective can only solve the case after being fired.

Come on, Hollywood!

Suitcase Hostage Situation

My neighbour is subletting her apartment to an eccentric guy from Saskatoon.

He kind of reminds me of Kramer from Seinfeld, because he’s extremely extroverted and has crazy ideas that he’ll share with just about anyone. Also, like Kramer, the weirdest things happen to him. He’s an oddity.

So, this guy moved in a few days ago, and I only met him this morning. He was wearing the tackiest tourist garb–those red hoodies with “Canada” and “Toronto” barfed all over them.

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Gasp

He mentioned that he was from Saskatoon, and so I found it bizarre that he had a hefty appetite for tacky Canadian tourist stuff. Last time I checked, the only people who wear those red sweaters are Asians visiting from Hong Kong or illegal Russian immigrants just trying to fit in (albeit, poorly).

“Nice sweater,” I squeaked.

He laughed, cocked his head to one side, and let out an exasperated sigh.

Turns out, someone took his suitcase hostage. Yeah, I’m being serious. The airline lost someone’s suitcase. That disgruntled passenger decided to take a perfect stranger’s luggage and keep it until the airline found theirs. What a jerk.

This guy panicked and bought a few things at the airport to last him a few days. Such a bad move in retrospect because 1) Everything at the airport is overpriced, 2) Everything at the airport is ugly, and 3) He could have gone to H & M and got some normal looking items on sale. I say H & M because you can get a t-shirt for like 5 bucks.

My roommate and I are taking him shopping today. I’ll be damned if a Canadian wears those tacky red hoodies!

Seeking Inspiration

I’m writing a book.

That is–I’ve begun writing a book. Fiction, of course. Something at the intersection of fantasy and reality. But aren’t they all like that?

I’m conceiving my protagonist. I know she’s a she. I know what her personality is like. But, I don’t know what she looks like. So, I’ve turned to Google Images, and I’m browsing photographs of random red-haired vixens. Or will she have dark brown hair?

It’s a journey.

This week, I’m bringing all of the characters to life. In order to do that, I need to get to know them. I need to talk to them. I need to envision them as my friends and colleagues. And only then, will I be able to create someone so multidimensional they’re almost real.

How do you get inspired?

Kicking around …

Kicking around on a piece of ground
In your home town
Waiting for someone or something
To show you the way

And then the one day you find
Ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run
You missed the starting gun

I love Pink Floyd. Their songs (and lyrics) are raw and give me eargasms. “Time” is one of my favourite songs, because it hits so close to home. I feel like I wasted my childhood and teen years on nonsense. I was waiting for life to happen. Life doesn’t just happen to you, at least, not the good parts anyways. Shit happens. Life doesn’t.

Get out there.