Office Gossip

Image

The only kind of vacation that doesn’t require you to go anywhere–and pays!

My boss is on vacation and naturally, nobody is actually doing any work.

There’s a lady at my office who is the designated–self appointed, if we’re going to be honest–office gossip.

She knows everything about everyone. And everyone knows everything about her.

Her name is Ann. I’m okay with using her real name because it’s such a common name that it doesn’t really matter!

Ann came into my office today to chat. Ann likes to chat. She’s really chatty, and sometimes it’s hard to get her to leave, so I find myself walking her back to her office and leaving her there. It usually works.

Today, Ann came in to tell me about how stupid her husband is. For the record, her husband works at the same company as us–that’s how they met. But he’s in a completely different department like 5 floors below my office.

Ann and her husband have 2 small children and a nice house in a middle-class neighbourhood. Her husband is the burly hard-working type who likes to have a beer and put his feet up after work. Very stereotypical. Ann is stereotypical too. She’s tall, thin, well put together with perfectly coiffed blonde hair, and plays “mother hen” to all of the young girls on my floor.

She’s fucking annoying, that one.

So she comes in and starts telling me about her husband and what he did. For the record, I don’t encourage this sort of thing. I think it’s reaaaallly bad to complain about your SO to other people, especially if they know him. It’s really disrespectful, and it’s better to keep some things private. Nobody likes having their dirty laundry aired.

She came in and told me her husband is a moron….because he’s having an affair and didn’t even try to conceal it. You know how some guys use a secret bank account to pay for secret dates, and even have an extra cell phone hidden in their car for secret phone calls? Yeah, not this guy.

They share an iPad at home. It’s actually his iPad, she just uses it sometimes. So she picked it up one day and clicked on the little search bar in Safari to look something up. His previous search history drops down immediately. I don’t know if I’m explaining this properly, I don’t have an iPad, so bear with me.

Her eyes casually wander down the list. He had some random search terms like NHL, BestBuy, Amazon, Craigslist Casual, Socks…

Wait, what was that one? Craigslist Casual? She clicks on it and it takes her to the Craigslist website….where only one link is purple (i.e. was accessed in the past). The casual encounters section. If you’re not familiar with this part of Craigslist, it’s where people go to find other people to bang.

She clicked on it and scrolled up and down the section–clicking on every purple link she saw. She says there were a few.

Then she got an even better idea. She went into the e-mail app on the iPad, which pools all of their e-mails, and skimmed through his e-mail.

Not only did he make up an elaborate double life for himself, but he acted on it. He took someone out on a date and had sex with her at her house (obviously, because bringing his date home to his wife would have been too stupid).

I couldn’t tell if she was angry because he betrayed her. Or if she was angry because he was so stupid about it. Or maybe because he didn’t respect her enough to cover it up, much less not do it in the first place.

I now, officially, know everything about this woman. I didn’t know what she wanted me to do with this information.

She didn’t look hurt or like she wanted comfort. So I just stared at her, shocked, until she left and went into the next person’s office.

Justice Porn & The Greedy Condo Owner

My friend and her boyfriend are looking for a condo in the city.

If you’re not from Toronto, or you are and you’ve just been living under a rock these past few years, allow me to lay out the condo situation in Toronto.

Condos. Are. Fucking. Expensive. In. Toronto.

That was really painful. But I said it.

There are condos EVERYWHERE. They’re building them EVERYWHERE. I will not be surprised if we have a condo “ghetto” in 10 years or so, because our generation (baby boom echo/generation y) will be buying houses and moving the fuck out of our overpriced, undersized, glass boxes.

For the record, I don’t live in a condo. It’s too expensive. I rent. And I have a roommate.

Anyways…

My friend and her SO have monies to spend and they want to spend it on a condo! So they looked for a couple of months and finally found *their* unit. It was just right.

If I tell you how much the unit was selling for, you’ll faint and/or think my friend and her boyfriend are millionaires. They really aren’t. But these are the prices we have to cope with in our glorious city.

They made an offer. They offered $25,000 less than asking price. The sellers, who are both real estate agents by the way, rejected it. They insisted on their (overpriced) original selling price.

My friend and her boyfriend dropped their conditions and came up a couple thousand. The sellers rejected it. The sellers came down $2,000 from their original overpriced selling price.

My friend and her boyfriend ignored the counter-offer and walked away. The seller called them 4 times asking where their counter-offer was. They never returned her calls.

Today, my friend and her boyfriend found out that the condos was sold…for $25,000 less than what they offered! That’s $50,000 less than what it was originally selling for! The sellers lost $25,000 by being greedy assholes!

Karma, greedy bitches, karma.

Life Mottos to Live By

Image

Admit it!

I feel like inspiring y’all today. Here are some life mottos we should all live by.

  1. Only the dead fish go with the flow
    Basically, if you’re always coasting through life, you’re not really living. Do something. Feel something. Don’t always follow someone else’s lead.
  2. Don’t compare yourself to anyone else. Compare yourself to the person you were yesterday.
    This is really important. Other people are different. They are stronger and more inadequate than us in different ways. You should focus on improving yourself based on who you used to be. You should focus on evolving.
  3. Fake it ’til you make it.
    I learned this one in high school when I was a neurotic teenager (still am–neurotic that is). A friend of mine encouraged me to put on a smart face and pretend that I knew what I was doing. I have to admit, this philosophy got me through both high school, university, and difficult work scenarios. Faking the confidence will help you gain real confidence.
  4. Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a long battle.
    Yeah… Don’t be an asshole. Everyone has problems. Some people have more problems than others. Some people are more emotionally affected by their problems than others. Some people are quietly contemplating suicide because of their problems. Don’t be an asshole.
  5. Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.
    This is a goodie. I’ll let you think about this one and interpret it yourself.
  6. Life’s a party, but you have to decorate it yourself.
    Self-explanatory! Don’t take life too seriously and remember to have fun! Your life is a blank page and YOU choose how to decorate it–YOU get to pick and choose what/who you want in your life. Take control of your life. Do it now.

And my favourite…

“Fuck ’em.”

What’s your life motto?