I. Hate. Facebook.
I mutter these words under my breath as I type bitterly and take a big gulp of red wine.
I actually almost spelled it as “Fuckbook”… Oops!
I, like most people and their unborn fetuses, am on Facebook.
I joined Facebook on a cold night in 2008 when I was battling a stubborn cold and aggressive fever. I was tired of being asked why I wasn’t on Facebook. Everyone was joining. It was like a cult.
So I finally joined to see what all the fuss was about. Facebook proved useful when I wanted to throw my happiness into my ex’s face. In the form of pictures of me looking hot at parties. In the form of strange guys leaving nice messages on my wall, proving that I am desirable!
Facebook was useful when I wanted to share some pictures from my vacation with my group of friends and some family members.
Facebook was useful when I wanted to get some intelligence on a new guy I was interested in. I creeped his profile to make sure he wasn’t a creep.
Facebook was useful when I wanted to find a long lost friend and creep them too.
But now, Facebook is fucking annoying.
Every time I sign on, I get to scroll through a bunch of delusional bullshit like the following, which glorifies abusive and immature relationships.
Today I got a message from a former classmate of mine…from HIGHSCHOOL.
Kids, I just finished university about a year ago. I graduated highschool in 2008. That was 5 years ago.
I remember my friends and some other familiar faces, but that’s that. If we weren’t in the same circles or didn’t talk at least a few times, I probably don’t remember you.
So this former classmate of mine, who I barely remember, messages me on Facebook saying “Hey Kat, I’m looking for someone that I used to go to school with. Did you go to XYZ High?”
Me: Yes I graduated in ’08.
Him: *Sends me a friend request that I ignore* Oh great! How are you? Do you remember me?
Uh….awkward silence…. No…Actually…I don’t remember you… Not that you’re not memorable or anything, heh heh. It’s probably because we had one class together and never had a conversation, ever. And then I haven’t seen or talked to you in 5 years. Yes, that’s it.
Me: I actually don’t remember you but I think we had a class together.
Him: I sent you a friend request! Why are you ignoring it lol
Me: Oh did you, sorry I didn’t see it… *Still ignoring friend request*
Him: I’ve been thinking of you lately and wanted to see what you were up to. So how have you been?
I should probably mention that he added a bunch of lame-ass winks into every message he sent me. Cringeworthy.
Advice to anyone who is thinking of contacting former classmates of half a decade who no longer live in your hometown, in the hope of getting laid: Don’t fucking do it. Didn’t you meet anyone in college? At work? At the corner Starbucks? Don’t you go to bars? Clubs? Jesus Christ.