Dating is awkward

Dating is awkward.


I was talking to my roommate about dating today. She confidently confirms that I am not a typical girl.

For the record, I’m a bad date.

I’m not rude, boring, self-absorbed, or a sloppy kisser. I’m just aloof. We’ll have a great time, I’ll throw my head back as I laugh at your jokes. You’ll feel desirable. We’ll talk about everything under the sun–I’m a great conversationalist. We’ll connect–I mean, really connect. You’ll feel like I get you, you know?

And then I’ll go home and won’t wait by the phone. Because I don’t care what you’re up to, and I don’t care if you’ll ask me out again. I’m always out to have a good time, and if I have a good time, I’m happy. I don’t care about you. In fact, I’ve probably already forgotten about you.

Whatever. It’s cool.

I can’t stand talking on the phone. It’s such a waste of time. The only person I talk to on the phone is my mother. And that’s because we live in different cities and she doesn’t know how to text. And even then–I paint my toenails or eavesdrop on my neighbours having sex.

So when a new guy calls me, I can’t chat. It’s not because I’m busy. It’s because I don’t want to. It’s hard to pursue me in today’s digital age when people are so used to others always being accessible. I’m only accessible if we make plans.

I find emoji’s and flirty text messages cringeworthy. Cringe. Like….fuck off, I don’t need to talk to you in the middle of the day. Especially if you don’t have anything interesting to say.

Stop feeding me bullshit and take me somewhere fun. Let’s go rock climbing. Let’s go to a bar. Let’s convince two drunk strangers to have sex with eachother.

And don’t get me started on exclusivity. Why is it assumed that if I agree to go on a date with you, that makes me off-limits to other guys I might be interested in? If we’re in a committed relationship, then exclusivity is expected.

However, if we’re casually dating, I’m not your girlfriend. Friday nights are not reserved for you, unless we’ve made plans. And I don’t care to talk to you before going to bed every night. Go away.

Last but not least, I don’t want you to spend the night. You have about 20-25 minutes to get up, get dressed, and go home post-sex. Don’t cuddle me. Just leave.

My lack of interest and inability to form deep, meaningful relationships should be a cause for concern.


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